A New World… Through Yeti Relations

The time has come, the walrus said, to speak of many things.

Wait, fuck the walrus. This ain’t the Walrus Conservation Association. Who does that walrus think he is, anyway? Getting all up in my grill? I’m sick of this walrus trying to steal the limelight that rightfully belongs to yetis. Go back to Antarctica or wherever you’re from and eat seals or some shit! Sheesh.

Actually, walruses are pretty badass. But I digress.

The time has come, dear friends and fellow yeti enthusiasts, to build a bridge of friendship to our yeti population. To show them that we care about them. I’m talking about more than logos or federally mandated holidays or marketing opportunities… I’m talking about friendship and joy throughout the land.

This can be accomplished with a few steps, and it will require all of your help. Not only will it improve relations with the yeti, but it will also bring about world peace.

First, we convince groups like PETA to do the work for us. It’s right up their alley, right? They can prance around like the pussies they are with advertising campaigns and slogans and weird-ass public stunts. We’ll make them think they’re helping.

Second, we convince worthless celebrities like Britney Spears that this is definitely a cause they’re interested in. We get them to give a lot of money and work with PETA to increase yeti appeal and reach the masses and use TV.

Then, after we’ve convinced the yetis that they should come out of hiding because we totally love them now, we feed them the worthless activists and worthless celebrities. As a token of our gratitude.

Then, my dear friends, we rid ourselves of human fodder AND we have yetis on our side! A new world without bullshit groups like PETA will reign, world peace will happen, and yetis and humans will hold hands and skip through meadows together picking flowers. And eating deer carcasses.

Don’t you want to help me reach world peace? We can. With these simple steps.