Why the Fascination with Yetis?

A question I often ask myself. A valid one, at that.

Why not bears? Or antelope? Or zebras?

Something about the mysticism of yetis and their all-around badass-ness draws me to them. They have universal appeal, and maybe someday it will give me an excuse to go to Nepal in search of one! I’ve always wanted to go there.

But it’s more than that. For some reason, besides the badass factor, I am completely fascinated by our snowy brethren. I have always been drawn to things that are overlooked or unloved by society. I feel the urge to help the yeti somehow, even the ones that are cold, hard killing machines that would maul me as soon as look at me. It’s not out of some desire to save all the animals in the world. Take chickens, for example. I don’t like chickens at all, and they’re animals. You don’t see me starting a “save the chickens” campaign, now do you?

One of these days I’m going to write a Yeti Ballad of some kind. I want to spread the love of yetis to the world, and use my music and science powers to prove their superiority as a species. Maybe someday there will be universities with entire programs dedicated to the study of the Yeti. I can see it now! A Bachelor’s of Science in Yeti Biology. A Bachelor of Arts in Yeti and Peace Relations. A Master’s and PhD in Yeti Conservation.

Call me crazy… but normal people seldom change history! I’ve seen the future, and the future is Yeti. Rawr.

Maps!

So I was thinking to myself… how could I make this great website about yetis even greater? When it hit me like an out-of-control ice cream truck. I should make maps!

I majored in geography in undergrad and took a cartography class. Maps are totally boss, and they convey a large amount of information if you let them. Also, I now know how to embed maps into WordPress! Because I totally rule, just like yetis!

Think of the possibilities… maps of yeti world population distribution, yeti sightings, yeti hang-outs… I could go on and on. This isn’t even about marketing anymore. This is about knowledge through the sweet world of map-making, and thanks to awesome free, online services I can make one easily!

Watch out, world… the Age of Yeti Information is about to spring into action!

A New World… Through Yeti Relations

The time has come, the walrus said, to speak of many things.

Wait, fuck the walrus. This ain’t the Walrus Conservation Association. Who does that walrus think he is, anyway? Getting all up in my grill? I’m sick of this walrus trying to steal the limelight that rightfully belongs to yetis. Go back to Antarctica or wherever you’re from and eat seals or some shit! Sheesh.

Actually, walruses are pretty badass. But I digress.

The time has come, dear friends and fellow yeti enthusiasts, to build a bridge of friendship to our yeti population. To show them that we care about them. I’m talking about more than logos or federally mandated holidays or marketing opportunities… I’m talking about friendship and joy throughout the land.

This can be accomplished with a few steps, and it will require all of your help. Not only will it improve relations with the yeti, but it will also bring about world peace.

First, we convince groups like PETA to do the work for us. It’s right up their alley, right? They can prance around like the pussies they are with advertising campaigns and slogans and weird-ass public stunts. We’ll make them think they’re helping.

Second, we convince worthless celebrities like Britney Spears that this is definitely a cause they’re interested in. We get them to give a lot of money and work with PETA to increase yeti appeal and reach the masses and use TV.

Then, after we’ve convinced the yetis that they should come out of hiding because we totally love them now, we feed them the worthless activists and worthless celebrities. As a token of our gratitude.

Then, my dear friends, we rid ourselves of human fodder AND we have yetis on our side! A new world without bullshit groups like PETA will reign, world peace will happen, and yetis and humans will hold hands and skip through meadows together picking flowers. And eating deer carcasses.

Don’t you want to help me reach world peace? We can. With these simple steps.