Yetis and Rainbows

I was sitting on my couch yesterday when I looked out the window and was like “Holy shit! It just rained and it’s really awesome!” So I went outside to take a closer look, and lo and behold there was a goddamn rainbow in all of its glory. I considered taking a picture but rainbows are so fleeting that I’m certain I wouldn’t have been fast enough. And naturally, while I was standing underneath the rainbow pondering the beauty of nature and shit, I thought of yetis.

What connection does a rainbow have to yetis? Yetis are part of nature, people! And I know for a fact that yetis like rainbows, too. Why else would they be more inclined to come out of hiding every time a rainbow shows up? Experts aren’t entirely sure why this happens, but they think it’s the yeti’s fascination with color that draws them out.

So when International Yeti Day is implemented we need to include rainbows in the plan somehow. I know that science can manipulate cloud formation… so we need a NEW branch of science to manipulate rainbow formation! Then the yetis will come out and hang with us. You see, rainbows are the missing link between yetis and people. We can finally unite with our brethren and dance together in nature’s glory!

I know, I know, it probably sounds like a bunch of hippie bullshit… but this plan cannot fail. I’m a goddamn expert and anyway, this is science. Expert or not, you can’t dispute cold, hard facts. If you’re wondering where I get this info from, that would be the Yeti Conservation Bureau. Sort of like the National Geographic of yetis. Scientists work around the clock to bring you this information.

The Environment is Totally Lame When Compared to Yetis

So yesterday was Earth Day! Whoop-de-doo. Just another excuse for pansies and hippies to whine and pretend that somebody cares about them.

But the question that was on my mind, as I went through the motions of my day, concerned the noble yeti. Do yetis have any connection to Earth Day? Or the environment in general? The word “green” is on everyone’s lips… how does it apply to our yeti friends and how can we thrust them into the limelight?

Well, I think a more relevant question is… why isn’t there a YETI day??? The crisis to yetis is far more immediate and dire than any environmental crises that crazy politicians conjure up. Deforestation? Overpopulation? Climate Change? Peanuts compared to the obliteration of yeti species.

If the yetis died out, it would change popular culture as we know it. Think of all the yeti references… in film, on TV, books, music theme parks, merchandise… as an American, I cannot simply sit by and watch the destruction of capitalism to the highest degree and everything our country stands for. Long live yetis in pop culture!!

Not to mention that, as I have mentioned before, yetis are totally rad. The environment? is full of stupid, lame animals like “polar bears” and “antelope”. To preserve the coolness of the world we live in, it is vital to preserve the yeti. We don’t want other planets laughing at us, do we? We gotta save face.

I hope this appeal to logic will spur on the creation of an International Yeti Day. Complete with merchandise, a franchise, and funnel cakes. I’ll get on it right away.

Here is an artist’s depiction from a real artist about what would happen if International Yeti Day became reality.

5 Reasons that Yetis are Awesome and We Shouldn’t Kill Them

1) A yeti once saved my life when I was fighting the ferocious dragon atop the mountain. I was on the losing end, about to get burnt to a crisp, when out of fucking nowhere this yeti came and saved my life. Before I could thank him, he had wandered off into the night.

2) Just look at them, seriously!! Holy crap!!

3) In a fight with a bear, a yeti would win. Don’t deny it. Yetis are badass through and through, to the core, and they would kick the shit out of any bear and still have enough energy to harvest the bear fur for a coat.

4) Yetis are cooler than Bigfoot. They live high up in the mountains and could probably survive in the middle of an eruptive volcano. Bigfoot? Would whine like a pussy until he could go back to northern California and hang out with his friends.

5) The Yeti is versatile. Some have described seeing really big-ass ones that are over two meters tall and white, while others have seen yetis that look like a cross between a man and an ape.

If this hasn’t convinced you to save our snowy brothers, I don’t know what will! Here’s a website about yetis confirmed by the Yeti Conservation Bureau that all of it is true DON’T QUESTION ME.

Still working on a logo…

Yetis are awesome

It’s a simple fact of life. We should fight to keep these critters around. Maybe I’ll start a rock band and hold a benefit concert. All I need now is a logo!

Yeah, I know sometimes they cause problems… like the other day I had to fight one with a sword so it wouldn’t take me to its lair. Generally speaking, though, when they aren’t starving or angry, they’re pretty chill. And only a few of them breathe fire.

Keep your eyes peeled for a logo and a Yeti theme song. Through the power of song, we will conquer the oppression of Yetis the world over!

Here’s a picture of where I currently reside. It illustrates the need to protect Yetis the world over, because they’re everywhere, even in Idaho.