Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun

The summer solstice is upon us! For the Yeti this likely means, since they are often drawn to northern places, that there is a shitload of sunlight. The noble Yeti is very enamored with sunlight and will generally lose his/her shit, and may become careless in situations that normally require caution. While enjoying your summer solstice revelries, keep an extra eye out for Yeti that may be:

1) Passed out in drunk euphoria in the woods somewhere

2) Streaking through town wearing only a party hat

3) Tweaked out on M&M’s or other forms of chocolate

The best thing to do in any of these scenarios is calmly, but unobtrusively, guide the Yeti away from any populated areas. Not because they are a danger to people, but because people may be a danger to them. The carelessness means Yeti might leave themselves open to robbery or similar shenanigans.

This summer solstice, don’t be an asshole and watch out for those in need. Sunlight can be nearly toxic to Yeti in large amounts, similar to alcohol or crack-cocaine in humans. Be safe!

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Hey look! An update!

I haven’t updated this for several years, but that’s because I have traveled far and wide in my campaign for yeti justice. At the moment I am in Alaska, where the population of yetis are currently under siege by raging forest fires. When I woke up this morning the sky was awash with smoke (because smoke can wash things, apparently)! Nobody thinks of the noble yeti when it’s smoky outside. NOBODY. Except me and the folks who work tirelessly at the Yeti Conservation Bureau. Here are a few tips to keep yetis safe from smoke.

1) Take away their cigarettes.

2) Lead them to a cave or some other shelter so they can escape the harmful effects of second-hand forest fire smoke. Yetis will probably not just follow you, because they are beyond the realm of human understanding, but they really like M&M’s. If you leave a trail that leads somewhere they will eat the shit out of those M&M’s then find a way to protect themselves. Scientists have determined they like the blue ones best.

3) For those who really care, invite them into your home. Yetis are shy but they like beer, so if you offer them a brewski they will come in to your house and hang out. Beware, though, that drunk yetis are notoriously emotional and will likely bore everyone with their life story and how their parents didn’t love them enough.

4) Put out the damn fires.

There you have it! Times are tough with all the smoke around, but together, we can help!

Why the Fascination with Yetis?

A question I often ask myself. A valid one, at that.

Why not bears? Or antelope? Or zebras?

Something about the mysticism of yetis and their all-around badass-ness draws me to them. They have universal appeal, and maybe someday it will give me an excuse to go to Nepal in search of one! I’ve always wanted to go there.

But it’s more than that. For some reason, besides the badass factor, I am completely fascinated by our snowy brethren. I have always been drawn to things that are overlooked or unloved by society. I feel the urge to help the yeti somehow, even the ones that are cold, hard killing machines that would maul me as soon as look at me. It’s not out of some desire to save all the animals in the world. Take chickens, for example. I don’t like chickens at all, and they’re animals. You don’t see me starting a “save the chickens” campaign, now do you?

One of these days I’m going to write a Yeti Ballad of some kind. I want to spread the love of yetis to the world, and use my music and science powers to prove their superiority as a species. Maybe someday there will be universities with entire programs dedicated to the study of the Yeti. I can see it now! A Bachelor’s of Science in Yeti Biology. A Bachelor of Arts in Yeti and Peace Relations. A Master’s and PhD in Yeti Conservation.

Call me crazy… but normal people seldom change history! I’ve seen the future, and the future is Yeti. Rawr.

Maps!

So I was thinking to myself… how could I make this great website about yetis even greater? When it hit me like an out-of-control ice cream truck. I should make maps!

I majored in geography in undergrad and took a cartography class. Maps are totally boss, and they convey a large amount of information if you let them. Also, I now know how to embed maps into WordPress! Because I totally rule, just like yetis!

Think of the possibilities… maps of yeti world population distribution, yeti sightings, yeti hang-outs… I could go on and on. This isn’t even about marketing anymore. This is about knowledge through the sweet world of map-making, and thanks to awesome free, online services I can make one easily!

Watch out, world… the Age of Yeti Information is about to spring into action!

A New World… Through Yeti Relations

The time has come, the walrus said, to speak of many things.

Wait, fuck the walrus. This ain’t the Walrus Conservation Association. Who does that walrus think he is, anyway? Getting all up in my grill? I’m sick of this walrus trying to steal the limelight that rightfully belongs to yetis. Go back to Antarctica or wherever you’re from and eat seals or some shit! Sheesh.

Actually, walruses are pretty badass. But I digress.

The time has come, dear friends and fellow yeti enthusiasts, to build a bridge of friendship to our yeti population. To show them that we care about them. I’m talking about more than logos or federally mandated holidays or marketing opportunities… I’m talking about friendship and joy throughout the land.

This can be accomplished with a few steps, and it will require all of your help. Not only will it improve relations with the yeti, but it will also bring about world peace.

First, we convince groups like PETA to do the work for us. It’s right up their alley, right? They can prance around like the pussies they are with advertising campaigns and slogans and weird-ass public stunts. We’ll make them think they’re helping.

Second, we convince worthless celebrities like Britney Spears that this is definitely a cause they’re interested in. We get them to give a lot of money and work with PETA to increase yeti appeal and reach the masses and use TV.

Then, after we’ve convinced the yetis that they should come out of hiding because we totally love them now, we feed them the worthless activists and worthless celebrities. As a token of our gratitude.

Then, my dear friends, we rid ourselves of human fodder AND we have yetis on our side! A new world without bullshit groups like PETA will reign, world peace will happen, and yetis and humans will hold hands and skip through meadows together picking flowers. And eating deer carcasses.

Don’t you want to help me reach world peace? We can. With these simple steps.

Yetis and Rainbows

I was sitting on my couch yesterday when I looked out the window and was like “Holy shit! It just rained and it’s really awesome!” So I went outside to take a closer look, and lo and behold there was a goddamn rainbow in all of its glory. I considered taking a picture but rainbows are so fleeting that I’m certain I wouldn’t have been fast enough. And naturally, while I was standing underneath the rainbow pondering the beauty of nature and shit, I thought of yetis.

What connection does a rainbow have to yetis? Yetis are part of nature, people! And I know for a fact that yetis like rainbows, too. Why else would they be more inclined to come out of hiding every time a rainbow shows up? Experts aren’t entirely sure why this happens, but they think it’s the yeti’s fascination with color that draws them out.

So when International Yeti Day is implemented we need to include rainbows in the plan somehow. I know that science can manipulate cloud formation… so we need a NEW branch of science to manipulate rainbow formation! Then the yetis will come out and hang with us. You see, rainbows are the missing link between yetis and people. We can finally unite with our brethren and dance together in nature’s glory!

I know, I know, it probably sounds like a bunch of hippie bullshit… but this plan cannot fail. I’m a goddamn expert and anyway, this is science. Expert or not, you can’t dispute cold, hard facts. If you’re wondering where I get this info from, that would be the Yeti Conservation Bureau. Sort of like the National Geographic of yetis. Scientists work around the clock to bring you this information.